If you're so "smart", why are you not at an IIT?

Sharing my quest with JEE exam and preparation and a question which took over 6 years to answer.

Dec 23, 2023

If you're so "smart", why are you not at an IIT?

This question was asked by my external examiner when I was in my first year of engineering during a lab exam. I had written a program on my own, which wasn't from the book, but it worked perfectly and passed all test cases. However, my examiner wanted me to memorize and write the same code, which I did manage to memorize, but I couldn't recall it during the exam.

I have always had a particularly bad memory, especially if I don't understand something or if it doesn't have a meaningful or practical value in my life. I need a "why" to remember something. This has been a consistent pattern in my life, and in today’s time I compensate for it by using digital tools to remember important tasks and information.

But that question stayed with me for four years and beyond. Recently, I finally found an answer, and I wanted to share it here.

For most of my life, I haven't had formally educated mentors. My mother couldn't complete her 10th grade, and my father couldn't complete his 12th due to our family's financial background. In the early years of my education, the schools I attended didn't provide a clear vision or perspective on what we should aim for in life and why. It's hard to expect such clarity from students at the age of 15 or 16.

Most parents in my community came from lower-middle-class families, and their primary motivation was to educate their children, just like my parents. However, nobody had a clear sense of direction.

The common goal for everyone was to score above 90% in 10th grade and pursue a career in science, aiming for another 90%+ score. In the 8th grade, my parents made a life-changing decision to enroll me in a relatively upscale school. By "upscale," I mean that everyone's parents were educated, had jobs, spoke English, and owned houses and cars. In contrast, my mother and I traveled by bus to every parent-teacher meeting, and I translated what my teachers said in English to Hindi for my mom. I never felt bad about it, although my mom occasionally did. I tried to compensate by consistently ranking among the top five in my class. After each exam, regardless of how I performed, my mom would treat me to a burger or a cold coffee (having both were still a luxury) from the nearest mall.

Attending this school opened me up to a completely new world, which initially felt alien. It took a while for me to understand and adapt, especially because I spoke broken English while my classmates watched English shows, listened to English songs, and read thick English novels. They were really good at it, and their confidence showed, something I initially lacked. Slowly, I learned and adapted.

I completed my 10th grade, and by the end of it, I knew I wanted to pursue science because I enjoyed mathematics, physics, and biology (although I wasn't a fan of chemistry). I had explored some advanced topics out of curiosity during 10th grade, and I loved it.

The conversation then revolved around Indian Institutes of Technology (IITs) and medical schools. Medicine didn't really interest me, even though I liked biology, because I enjoyed creating things and understanding their "why" and "what." So, I continued in the same school for 11th and 12th, focusing on computer science.

In the 10th grade, I took an aptitude test offered by BYJU's, which ranked me in the top 1-5% in the state. They were offering a discount on their yearly JEE preparation package. However, my mom and I decided to visit Akash (since Allen wasn't in Bangalore) to explore my options.

At Akash, the counselor asked me, "What engineering field do you want to pursue?" I replied confidently, "Aerospace engineering." Then came the questions: "Do you know which IITs offer it?" I shook my head. "Do you know which exam you need to take to get in?" I simply said, "IIT ka exam" (the exam for IITs).

The counselor then scoffed a bit and proceeded to explain the “JEE” Mains and Advanced exams required for admission to IITs and how challenging they were.

During this entire conversation, my mom didn't quite grasp the details, but I did. I understood where I stood in the crowd, realizing that many had started preparing for these exams as early as the 8th grade.
Here I was not knowing about JEE mains and advance.

In the 11th and 12th grades, I still wasn't clear about what I wanted and why. I didn't fully comprehend the importance of these exams and how they could impact my future. In theory, I had heard numerous motivational talks from teachers at coaching centers and watched YouTube videos, but the gravity of not getting into a good college in our country hadn't sunk in.
For my family and most of my close friends' families, just the idea of attending college or having options was an achievement in itself.

Even as I studied and prepared, it felt like a race. I didn't study or learn in the same way as my peers. I couldn't find meaning or purpose in solving problems the way they did. It didn't mean I wasn't interested in science, but I had lost interest in the race and the traditional methods of studying. I had stopped being curious.

Fast forward to the 12th grade, where I did reasonably well, scoring over 90% in Physics, Chemistry, and Mathematics (with the highest score being 96 in Chemistry). I barely cleared the JEE Mains. As soon as this happened, my mind shifted to the topic of college fees. I meticulously researched colleges and their fee structures, and none of them came below 10-12 lakhs for the entire four-year program. My father was unemployed, my mother worked as a tailor in a garment factory (8hrs a day), and my sister and I gave tuitions to make ends meet. The financial situation demoralized me because even if I managed to pass any of these exams, I had no idea where the money would come from.

I had a two-month gap between my Mains and Advanced exams, and during this time, I also had to appear for other exams like KCET, BITSAT, VIT, and SRM (I didn't take the Manipal entrance due to its fees).
I bombed all of them.

That's when I learned that banks only offered up to 4 lakhs as collateral-free loans for engineering education, regardless of which college you got into. I was left with only the KCET option, where I had secured a rank of around 20,000+.

I felt stupid.
I felt stupid to dream big. Because I had failed.
My self-confidence took the beating.

There seemed to be no other option, as my parents couldn't afford another year of coaching. I didn't know what the right decision was at the time. I wished I could have taken a gap year to work hard and secure a place in a top-tier college in Bangalore. Looking back, I realize that I could have done it. But I didn't, and I'll never know how different life might have been.

The main reason I didn't succeed earlier was that I didn't know my "why", I lacked a sense of purpose in the race.
and I could never decouple money from my dreams and goals as a kid/teenager.
Every step in the way needed money and at every point I had to battle it out, and not having money always won.

Looking back, what would I have done differently?
Taken a drop year to work hard to get somewhere meaningful.
I might not have wasted two years' worth of coaching fees and used that money to fund my college education.

Here's some advice from 26-year-old Sourav to 16-year-old Souravs:

Don't be ashamed of your background, no matter where you come from. It's a more common story than you might think. You just haven't seen the world to know more stories than what your family and friends have told you. Your perspective is colored by their biases.
It doesn't matter how old you are or what circumstances you're in. In any significant pursuit in your life, try to find your "why." The "how" will follow naturally.
Hard work is something that can't be underestimated. People who have a clear "why" behind their efforts might make it seem effortless from the outside. However, in reality, it's far from effortless. It requires a great deal of discipline and consistency in their daily life. Consider working on building these disciplines in your own life, this will not let your circumstances dictate your terms, you will.
If you can't work or study for 7-8 hours a day on something you believe in, it's a fantasy, not a goal. Don't delude yourself. Confront your own limitations and ask why it's not happening. Is it even a true priority? Do you really need it that badly?
The earlier you start, the greater the compounding effect and returns. You won't have the same energy throughout your life as you do in your youth, so don't let it go to waste. Channelize your energies in the right direction to maximize your potential benefits.
Respect isn't solely determined by where you come from; it's even more significant when you don't come from an ideal background but still achieve your goals through hard work and by creating your own path in life. All of us are unique.